You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
