onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
