Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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