I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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