i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
