I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
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Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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