Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
