i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
