I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
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a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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