I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
