I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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