This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
