Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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