How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Randomize
