why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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