We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
