Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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