I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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