she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
