I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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