I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
