we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
