i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
