Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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