So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
