found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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