I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
