I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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