The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was born a porn star she said
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
