based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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