dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This baby is an asshole
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
