Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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