and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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