just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
