forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
two words...techno handjob
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
