she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
