Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
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Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
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And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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