I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
