holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
