shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
