Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
