I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
