i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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