I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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