just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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