will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
