My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
