K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize