Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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