Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
