Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
