don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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