Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
