the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
zippers are such a cool invention
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
