How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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