NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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