I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
