i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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