Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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