My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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