fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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