Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
