you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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