Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
